Expectations, Perception and Reality, Trust and Control

Believing is Seeing

The idea of the self-fulfilling prophecy is that sometimes, for better or worse, we can make something true simply by believing in it. This basic concept goes by a wide variety of names such as the expectancy effect, the Pygmalion or Rosenthal effect, the placebo effect, the law of attraction, and the secret. Some people would like to believe that this phenomenon is an absolute law that can be harnessed to control events, create wealth, cure the sick, or alter reality. However, if this were true, then every intense doubt, fear, or insecurity would also become real. Every panic attack would be fatal, every hypochondriac would get cancer, and every airplane would crash during take-off.

Fortunately, we are not so powerful that we can create an event simply by willing it or fearing it. Not every prayer gets answered, not every wish gets granted, and most fears go unrealized. This is a good thing. Imagine the chaos of a world inhabited by such omnipotent gods, each with his or her own beliefs, biases, and wants. Such a world would surely be torn apart by all the conflicting intentions!

While the idea of the self-fulfilling prophecy is not an absolute law, it is a real phenomenon that shapes our experiences. It does so by building upon our most basic beliefs and expectations about ourselves, other people, life, and the world around us. The mechanism is really quite simple…

  1. We expect that life will be a certain way.
  2. We look for evidence to support our expectation.
  3. We notice things that validate our expectation.
  4. We dismiss evidence to the contrary.
  5. We collect evidence until we feel we have proof.
  6. We believe that our expectation has been fulfilled.

This mechanism won’t crash an airplane, but it can easily ruin your day… or make your day. It might even be capable of killing you, albeit indirectly. Whatever you expect to see is what you will look for, and what you look for is what you will tend to find. In this way, both the optimist and the pessimist are inevitably proven right, within the realm of their own perceptions. Put in the simplest terms, believing is seeing.

We like to think of ourselves as objective observers of the world around us, as observers of truth, but the truth is that our perceptions of the world are wrapped in layer upon layer of subjectivity. Medical researchers realize this danger in their own work and use double-blind studies to control for their own expectations (i.e. the observer-expectancy effect) and the expectations of their patients (i.e. the subject-expectancy effect or placebo effect). Unfortunately, most of us are not so cautious. We plow forward with our expectations and subjective realities, all the while believing that what we see is the objective and unchangeable truth. This error of perception may seem harmless, but for those who feel trapped in an ugly reality, it is a source of great suffering. It may also be a primary cause of human conflicts and wars.

By understanding the mechanism of the self-fulfilling prophecy, we may be able to challenge its effects, but we must first learn to set aside our blind commitment to our subjective realities. We must accept the idea that most of what we see is not objective truth. If we can do that, perhaps we can learn to shape our realities after all. Perhaps we can become semi-omnipotent, at least at the level of perception.

We may not be all-powerful gods, but we are not powerless victims of fate either. The secret to our true power is held in three little words: believing is seeing. For those who can unlock the depths of this idea and set aside their rigid perception of truth, there is an opportunity to escape the shackles of fate and destiny, an opportunity to choose and be free.

Self-Care

Be Good to Your Horse

People who experience the effects of chronic pain, disease, injury, weight issues, aging, or other physical conditions sometimes feel as if their bodies have betrayed them. They begin to resent their bodies, and resentment can lead to mistreatment or neglect. When a client is feeling this way, I sometimes talk about being good to your horse.

Imagine the life of a cowboy and his horse. If the horse gets sick or injured, is that a betrayal? Certainly not. The horse and cowboy rely on each other mutually, and both have limits. The cowboy depends upon his horse for work, transportation, safety, and even companionship; while the horse depends upon the cowboy for food, water, rest, companionship, and a good brushing. If the cowboy fails to care for his horse, the horse will become ill and less capable of providing for the cowboy. Even if the cowboy takes good care of his horse, sickness and injury are still inevitable over time.

How should the cowboy respond at these times? How would you respond? With resentment, mistreatment, or neglect? Or with caring and compassion? I believe that most people would advocate for caring and compassion. Even from a purely practical point of view, the compassionate approach seems likely to help the horse heal more quickly. No matter how inconvenient the sickness or injury may be, it is important for the cowboy to acknowledge the needs of the horse. If he does not, his own needs may also go unmet. For the cowboy, caring for the horse is caring for himself.

The same is true for our relationships with our bodies, and we should treat our bodies as good as we would treat our horse. Not all ailments can be reversed, even with the best of care, but mistreatment and neglect will almost always accelerate the decline.

So, have a little compassion for your body. Take care of it. Treat it well. Be good to your horse.

Mindfulness, Trust and Control

Dammed Emotions

Emotions are not static. From moment to moment, they intensify, shift, move, recede, and transform. I’m not talking about the thoughts and labels we associate with our emotions, which can be deceptive, but rather the underlying sensations or feelings themselves. At this level, our emotions are very much like a body of water (e.g. a stream, river, or ocean), always in motion, seemingly alive, unpredictable, and sometimes scary.

I often talk about emotions as a stream that runs through our consciousness. Sometimes it sparkles in the sunlight, sometimes it is dark or muddy, sometimes it gurgles playfully, sometimes it roars, sometimes it is only a trickle, and sometimes it swells into a raging torrent. Many of us try to manage or control the stream by building dams, but we fail to see the many perils of this approach.

First of all, humans are not very good dam builders. Streams are far more powerful than they look, and our dams tend to crack and leak all over the place. This is okay for children trying to dam a gutter with twigs, but the consequences are less innocent for adults trying to dam emotions. The resulting cracks and leaks can take the form of emotional outbursts and even physical symptoms, such as high blood pressure, ulcers, eye twitches, skin conditions, and so forth.

Second, dams don’t really solve the problem. In fact, dams always lead to more problems, because after a while, not only do you still have the stream, but you also have a huge reservoir or lake looming behind the dam. If the stream scares you enough to build a dam, how much more scary is an entire lake of emotion held back by a cracking dam? Unfortunately, we often don’t consider this risk. We commit ourselves to dam building (i.e. emotional control), and then we get stuck in the never-ended business of dam maintenance, too afraid of the reservoir to try anything else.

The alternative to dam building is simply to let the stream flow and trust that it will never sweep us away. We must go with the flow of our own emotions. Yes, streams are unpredictable, but they tend to be okay most of the time. Even if a big surge causes the stream to overflow its banks, it is not likely to do much harm, and most of the damage we do experience is caused by our own panic in the face of the surge. Kayakers, rafting guides, and surfers can attest to this truth. When it comes to both water and emotions, resistance is futile… and often harmful.

If you are not already in the dam business, I strongly suggest that you don’t start. Unfortunately, this is one of those lessons we often have to learn for ourselves. If you are in the dam business, here are some suggestions for getting out:

  1. Let the dam leak. The only way to drain a reservoir is to let more water go downstream. This doesn’t mean blowing up the dam all at once, but it does mean resisting the urge to patch up every little crack.
  2. Spend time observing the stream. When we stop indulging our fears and discomforts, when we bravely turn our attention toward our emotions, we eventually start to understand that the stream of emotions is not so scary or dangerous.

Emotions are an essential part of us, and they add all the flavor and color to life. To deny or repress emotions is to miss out on a huge aspect of living, so even if you could build the perfect dam, why would you? The costs far outweigh any benefits.

Perception and Reality

The Life of Trees

We tend to think of trees as largely inanimate, but maybe this is merely because our human lives move so fast. If we could observe the world at a tree’s pace, we might see something entirely different.

Imagine speeding up time so that months pass before us like seconds. What do we see? First, there is no darkness. Daylight merely flickers as the sun passes overhead about 30 times each second. Seasons still exist, but they each last only three seconds and appear more like breathing. On every inhale (i.e. spring and summer), the trees draw in water, nutrients, CO2, and sunlight. They also produce leaves and hold them up to the sky. On every exhale (i.e. fall and winter), the trees let go of their treasure. At this pace, the forest appears far more animated. It is like a big party, with the trees acting in unison, magically producing leaves and letting them fly. They are magicians,.. throwing confetti!

This exercise illustrates the power of shifting one’s perspective. Reality is not merely some objective or absolute truth, and contrary to what most people believe, things are not always as they appear. Reality is a subjective experience shaped by our values, biases, and assumptions (i.e. our perspectives). Of course, there are objective truths to behold, like the existence of trees, but these truths only provide the framework for experience. It is the layers of subjective perception that give our experiences flavor, substance, and depth.

This means that, to the extent that we can challenge our own perspectives, we may also be able to change reality. Unfortunately, challenging life-long patterns of perception is no easy task. We tend to believe that our usual way of seeing IS the truth, and our commitment to this belief is often a more profound barrier to change than any objective truth.

What do you believe is true about yourself, other people, life, and the world around you? What are your root assumptions and biases? We all have them, and as children, we all start off with beliefs that we absorb from family, friends, and culture. Learning to question these beliefs and choose for ourselves is one of the great rites of passage into adulthood, but it is also a rite that many people never actively pursue or realize.

Everything around us, including the trees, can be seen in countless ways, and it is possible that there is no objective measure of which reality is best. If no subjective reality is more right or true than any other, then perhaps it is simply a matter of choosing the reality we want most, based on our personal values. It sounds silly, but it may actually be that simple, even if it’s not easy. So, what reality will you choose?

Personally, I choose a reality where everything tends to work out as long as we don’t get in the way, where respect and honor guide behavior, and of course, where trees are magicians.

Expectations, Perception and Reality

Stepping Through Illusions

In a world of “virtual reality,” if I punch a brick wall, my hand does not shatter, because my hand is actually resting comfortably in a chair back in the “real world.” The brick wall is merely an illusion, an imaginary barrier presented to me by the computer program that creates the virtual world.

If, for some reason, I am unaware that I am in “virtual reality,” if I am unaware that the brick wall is an illusion, then my mind will not allow me to even try punching the wall with any conviction. In anticipation of injury and unbearable pain, I will always pull my punches. Thus, I actually participate in maintaining the illusion of the brick wall.

But if I am willing to suspend my belief in the reality of the wall, or if I already know that it is only an illusion, then I will be able to explore my true limitations within the virtual world. Once my mind no longer helps the illusion, I may find that I am not as confined as I once thought. Perhaps I will find that I can hit the wall as hard as I want, without pain or injury. Perhaps I will find that I can punch holes in the virtual brick. Or perhaps I will find that I can walk straight through. Once I free my mind of its expectations, I can begin to explore the true nature of the virtual world and my powers and potentials within that world. For those who have seen The Matrix, these ideas should sound very familiar.

All of this applies, not just to exploring “virtual reality,” but to exploring any reality within which we find ourselves. Our minds hold beliefs and expectations about our world, and those beliefs and expectations help to maintain and reinforce that world. If I believe that I can’t do something, then that belief increases the probability that I won’t do it. This is the power of doubts and fears in our lives. (Breaking boards or bricks in the martial arts is a perfect example.)

But if we are willing to suspend our beliefs and expectations about reality, we can begin to explore the truth about ourselves (our true potentials, powers, and abilities) and about reality (its true boundaries and limits). Perhaps we will find that most of our prior beliefs are valid. That’s fine, because even if we discover only one belief that is not valid, we will expand our world. At the other extreme, perhaps we will find that most of our reality exists only in our beliefs and expectations, specifically in our doubts and fears. If this is the case, then life will open up dramatically for us, in ways that we could never have dreamed.

The question is… “How do we suspend our prior beliefs and expectations?”

Often, we learn to see and step through our illusions by watching other people. Once someone proves that it can be done, it becomes much easier for us to set aside our own doubts and try it. The “unknown” loses some of it’s mystery this way, and the illusion begins to crack. This is exactly how we learn as children, but as adults, pride sometimes gets in the way. Watching and emulating other people provides an excellent and perfectly-valid “short-cut” for expanding one’s life. In fact, refusing such assistance would be foolish, because life is short, and greater challenges await each of us. There is no point in reinventing the wheel, as long as an appropriate role-model can be found.

However, for every new potential, there has to be one person who tries it first and succeeds, without any proof that it is possible. This person has nobody to follow and must suspend beliefs and expectations, doubts and fears, based solely on a vision (or dream) of a deeper, grander truth. Such people are the explorers of the frontiers of truth, and they act on something outside the confines of “knowledge” or “reality.” They act on faith and follow a dream. They fling themselves into the abyss of the unknown, in defiance of the illusion. Sometimes they fail, sometimes they even die, but sometimes they succeed, and “reality” is changed forever.

There are countless examples of such people throughout history. Some of them explored the physical frontiers of the Earth or space. Others explored the physical frontiers of the human body. Still others explored the frontiers of the mind, the heart, or the spirit. All of them explored the frontiers of truth.

There is absolutely no demand that we all become explorers, risking our lives to expand truth, but many people do feel drawn to the frontiers. After all, our modern culture has thrived on such efforts, and our country was founded on such ideals. The challenge for modern explorers is to choose their frontiers carefully. Exploring the unknown is risky, sometimes mortally so, so they must decide which aspects of “reality” are worth this risk to change. Should a potential explorer risk death to prove that humans really can bungie-jump from hot-air balloons, or should this eager soul wait for something a bit more meaningful and profound? I guess that decision must be made by the individual.

As a final note, I can’t help wondering if the growing number of “extreme athletes,” those people who risk their lives doing rather silly things, can be attributed to a lack of obvious frontiers in our modern world. The Earth has largely been explored. The human body has been pushed to extremes. Many frontiers do still exist, but they are not so glaringly apparent as an uncharted ocean or continent.

Ask yourself this: “What are my beliefs and expectations, my doubts and fears, and how do they define my reality and limit my abilities? Am I content with this, or do I want my reality and my truth to expand as I live?”

If you are not yet content, the first step is to look for the “short-cuts.” Find those role-models who have marked the trails to the places you seek. If you reach a point where no role-models seem to exist, then you may have found the frontier of truth, and only faith and a dream can carry you forward.